Clients exposed – all you need to know

One of the best things about being a chauffeur is the sheer amount of different people you’ll meet and get to know along the way.

It does indeed take all sorts to make up a clientele, so in preparation for such a diverse range of customers, Andy Dubberley gives you his own alternative guide to client profiling…

Comfy pair of slippers
Quite possibly top of the list of chauffeur niggles, those passengers seemingly incapable of drinking more than half a thimble-sized amount of water from a bottle during any one journey.

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If this wasn’t annoying enough, God forbid they take one sip at the beginning of the trip in the hope they might actually finish at least half a bottle of the wet stuff en route. No, they will crack open the cap and take their pathetic excuse for refreshment precisely 300 metres from their destination.

As if this didn’t try a chauffeur’s patience to the limit enough, their infuriating singular sip from one bottle then signals said passenger’s partner to break the seal on a second bottle a stones throw from their front door and take one sip from that one too!

They’ve shared bodily fluids, they’ve made babies together, they’ve even watched Bake Off from the same sofa, but could they possibly drink from the same bottle? Hell no, let’s waste two expensive bottles of quality water shall we?

The odd chauffeur will attempt to save face by telling you they’re not bothered as the rest of the bottle goes in the dog’s bowl or is used to dampen their chamois leather next day, but don’t be fooled by this tosh, in reality they are spitting feathers like the rest of us.

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